Tuners from Larte Design studio decided that a standard Mercedes-AMG G63 wasn’t frightening enough for pensioners or the compact cars in the left lane. They grabbed a grinder, a bucket of epoxy, and a mountain of the cheapest (or most expensive—who can tell) carbon fiber to craft another masterpiece of automotive BDSM. The resulting body kit rivals, if not surpasses, the visual noise level of their main competitors—the freaks from Mansory studio.

It’s impossible to look at this without tears. The front bumper is snarled with fangs the size of a carpenter’s hand. The hood is adorned with some vents for cooling the abyss. At the rear, they attached a diffuser that generates downforce only if the car is falling off a cliff. But the most important thing is the color scheme. The gold accents against the black background make your eyes bleed faster than a strobe light in a nightclub.

It seems like the car was dressed up in a superhero suit, infused with aggression, futurism, and three generations of excess. But the laws of physics and common sense are powerless against the architecture of the G-Wagen. Because the «G-Wagen» is a natural error that cosmetic surgery cannot correct. It’s a steel safe to which, by chance, they bolted wheels from a baby stroller (albeit ones as wide as a soccer goal).

No matter how you paint it, no matter how many gold lamellae you pack into the grille, it won’t become elegant. It won’t transform into a grand tourer. At best, it becomes that safe that was just spray-painted gold before the common fund was placed inside.

This is the main joke on tuners. You can spend millions of rubles on Larte or Mansory body kits, install a titanium exhaust system that will wake the dead, but the result is always the same. When this vehicle shows up in your rearview mirror, your sphincter constricts—not because it’s beautiful, but because you understand: inside is a person who desperately needs to make it to an important meeting where someone else’s business fate will be decided. Angular, absurd, loud, yet absolutely effective. The artists at Larte forgot to remove the criminal code from the car’s DNA. The angular, imposing vehicle rushing to a consultation hasn’t disappeared; it just put on a fashionable scarf.