Service Romances: The Illusion of Intimacy, a Psychological Trap, and Rare Happiness

One of Svetlana’s clients came to a session with what seemed like a classic, straightforward story. She married a man who had pursued her for seven years. They had a son, they bought an apartment—it appeared to be the fulfillment of every desire. Yet, instead of happiness, the woman encountered emotional distance. Her husband began disappearing from work, becoming silent, and avoiding conversations.

Desperate, she checked his social media and discovered a conversation with a new colleague. It seemed nothing criminal—just work matters. However, the tone wasn’t professional: it was overly friendly, too warm. And worst of all, they arranged to meet that evening—to have sushi and «discuss work.» The client couldn’t bear it and went to follow them.

The psychologist explains that for people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles, maintaining distance in a relationship is the most comfortable dynamic. Closeness triggers anxiety; intimacy is perceived as a threat to freedom. The seven-year courtship was a safe game for this man: he knew his role, and she knew hers; distance was maintained. But joint life, marriage, and domesticity—that is a territory of vulnerability. Subconsciously, he began searching for an old, familiar pattern: communicating with a colleague who hadn’t become «too close» yet. Whether this will develop into a full-blown romance is a big question. But the behavioral pattern is clear.

Another story—a one-time encounter with a junior colleague at a company retreat. The client admitted she wanted revenge on her husband for his infidelity. She hadn’t been with anyone but her spouse in a long time and was afraid even to undress in front of a new person—until alcohol helped her overcome that fear.

But after the event, she felt neither joy nor satisfaction—only a strange numbness. The funniest part? Her husband had also started an affair, and she seemed to have chosen the colleague specifically to deliver a symmetrical response. However, one mistake doesn’t fix another: she never let go of her resentment toward her husband, and the connection at the retreat only left her with a feeling of emptiness and added stress.

The psychologist emphasizes that infidelity is a symptom. There is always something else underlying it: depression in one partner, mismatched libidos, a family crisis, a desire to recapture youth, a prolonged conflict that no one dares to discuss. The list could go on endlessly. But the key advice here is singular: honestly answer yourself the question, «Why?» And try to build a dialogue with your partner. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes a mediator—a psychologist or family counselor—is needed. But in any case, a fresh perspective on the situation, a breakthrough from stereotypes and habitual blame, is essential.

Sometimes, there are happy endings. One of Svetlana’s clients is a surgeon who met his future wife in the department where she worked as a nurse. Both have demanding schedules and little free time, and the nature of their work means that not every partner will understand why one has to rush to a patient at night or on a weekend. But she understood—and that became the foundation of their relationship.

They supported each other both at and outside of work. There was a difficult moment when the man became afraid of a final decision: what if this was forever? What if he wasn’t ready? They separated for a while, and it was that separation that showed him that all the fears were nonsense and that they truly wanted to be together. Now they are married; she is on maternity leave, misses her job, but he keeps her updated on all the hospital news and, of course, doesn’t flirt with anyone.

However, according to the psychologist, such stories are more the exception than the rule. In her practice, there are few cases with happy endings from workplace romances.

One clear advantage of professional relationships is that you get to see a person in various work situations. You observe how they interact with subordinates and superiors, how they prioritize tasks, manage conflict and fatigue, and what brings them joy. This offers a fairly complete picture of their professional persona.

However, this is only one facet, and it can be misleading. Often, when the «professional mask» drops, a person turns out to be entirely different at home. Not necessarily worse or better—just different. They might have different habits, a different approach to daily life, money, or free time. And that is not their fault. Simply put, workplace effectiveness and domestic compatibility are two different things. Many couples break up precisely during the transition from office meetings to shared life because people are unprepared for the fact that the «meeting hero» can be completely helpless when it comes to household matters.

Psychologists recommend not ignoring the topic of attachment. It is important to know your attachment style and your partner’s—this helps avoid many pitfalls. Attachment style is not a life sentence; it is subject to change, and cognitive-behavioral therapy methods work very well in this regard.

For those who want to delve deeper into the subject, Svetlana Filyaeva recommends three books:

— «Soulmate: A Scientific Approach to Finding Love for Life» by Helen Fisher. The author, an anthropologist, outlines four personality types and discusses how they interact with one another and influence the choice of a romantic partner.

— «Anxious Attachments» by Leslie Becker Phelps. It is crucial to understand your attachment style and the type of person you are dating to avoid hidden issues. You can consult a psychologist—attachment style is not a verdict and is amenable to correction; from my professional experience, CBT techniques are very effective.

— «Infidelity: Why Loved Ones Cheat, Should You Forgive, Can You Avoid It?» by Marina Travkova. This one covers cheating and how to live with it.