Engineers from the BMW M division have officially declared war on restraint. Why buy a full-blown monster truck like the X5 M Competition when you can just take a regular vehicle and… bolt on some serious swagger? Meet the new lineup of M Performance genuine accessories that transforms a premium rolling closet into a 2000s street racing icon.

The list of features your relatives will try to cram into the car elicits both laughter and respect for German cynicism: carbon fiber mirrors (so you can see how far behind the taxi on a Granta is), a massive rear diffuser that only generates downforce in the owner’s fantasies, and giant 22-inch wheels that make your spine recalculate every grain of sand on the road after they are installed.

But the sweetest part is the exhaust system. Now, for an extra fee, your car will be taught to roar louder than a March cat. Special baffles in the muffler will allow you to scare grandmas by the entrance with a V8 sports roar right from your smartphone while the car warms up. True, if you open the window, you’ll find the sound isn’t coming from the pipes, but from the speakers via the Active Sound Design synthesizer, but who cares about such trifles?

The cabin also offers a space for a suffering ego to run wild. We place the steering wheel, wrapped in Alcantara with an aggressive red marker at 12 o’clock, swap the gear selector for a translucent acrylic piece with backlighting, and affix threshold trims featuring the «M» logo. The pedals are made of aluminum, because plastic is for amateurs.

The premise of this performance is insultingly simple. Sales of full-blown «emotions» have a ceiling—they are rigid, expensive, and uncomfortable for a family. Meanwhile, everyone buys a standard X5. And here is the middle class, who desperately wants to look like a ferocious racer but values comfort and quiet, has finally found a solution. You get the aesthetic of a supercar killer while remaining enveloped in the plush leather of a standard crossover. It’s the perfect car for those who want to look menacing without ever flooring the accelerator more than halfway.